Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Strong When I Am Weak

I am almighty God your father
The risen son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am

This morning, I walked up to my car door, stopped, and looked at my reflection. "I am 127% done with this," I said. This Tumblr phrase has been quite useful in conveying my emotions the past few days.

I think I'm hitting an early-life crisis, or something like that. Or maybe I'm spoiled. I feel like I'm getting tired of everything, to put it melodramatically. Some of it is legit. My family is...well, I will say, disjointed. I didn't want to still be living at home at 22, and I'm getting anxious to keep my own little house. I am sitting amongst a congregation that I have utterly checked out of, but cannot physically leave for complicated reasons. My job, God bless it, is putting my sanity on the fritz. I have worked overtime every week for the last two months, and the last 3 weeks, I have worked 50-54 hours every week. 

I work at an inbound call center. Do you know what it does to your brain to write 3 emails and answer 70 back-to-back calls in 10 hours? You start to say things like "C, as in Sam" (how?!) and mentally read the number 7 but "1" comes out of your mouth.

The fact that we are working this overtime because leadership, not business needs, caused it makes it even more exhausting. And I didn't want to work there forever. I love my company's mission because it involves books (hello? ya think?), but I want to work in the dental field. And go on compassion ministry trips. But I can't do this unless I get a very nice letter sometime after October 15 that starts with the word "Congratulations!"

Plus, I had a vacation day yesterday. It was such a nice break I didn't want to come back.

So, I walked out to my little Honda, and said to myself, "I don't really want to do this." Myself said, "You get paid. Get in the car." We got in the car. 

I don't usually listen to music in the morning, because I'm only half-awake. But this morning, I was emotionally drained and half-awake, so I flipped the radio on. The country station had nothing, and the pop station had even less, so I half-heartedly turned to contemporary Christian. (Half-heartedly, because, well, there's a reason some people call it 'positively annoying KLOVE'. Y'all think you could try to play more than 6 songs on repeat?)

The minute I hit the button, Mark Schultz came through, and the tears just welled up. 

I whispered, "Lord, please? I don't think I can keep this up much longer. I have no brain, I have no heart, and I have no strength. Help me."

He said that was okay. Because when I run out of strength, He has everlasting strength. I don't have to let my job make me depressed. It's still hard work, but I am not alone, and it is not the end of the world. Even though I work this Saturday AGAIN, and I already have 10 hours of overtime next week, it is still okay. He's got it.


  1. Love this. So very inspiring, you know? Suddenly I felt much better too... Praying for you, my friend. ♥♥

    1. Thank you, and thank you, friend. <3 I had hoped it would be a little inspiring to someone else.

  2. Isn't God amazing? I love how He proves He's always listening. And caring. Even about our little things. Will be praying for you, Joanna! :)

    1. Oh, thank you, Kara! I just discovered your blog, and am enjoying reading through. You have so many good things to say. Blessings to you!

  3. Oh dear :-( I have so been there! So many times in my life -- the "I'm am 127% done with this" feeling. After we got married, but before we had kids, I worked 3rd shift at Walmart stocking shelves for four years. I hated it. It wasn't quite as bad as waitressing, but almost. There came a point when I had to bribe myself with chocolate to get into the car and go to work each night. But it was a job, it was money, it was what needed to be done.

    I'm hoping your situations improve soon! "Trust in the Lord with all your might, and lean not on your own understanding." I can never read that reminder often enough -- I need to be told over and over that I am not in control, that I can't always understand why things happen, etc.

    I think my work as a stocker taught me endurance. And that no matter how hard a day is now, I can say, "At least I'm not still at Walmart."

    Sending you a virtual hug!

    1. 3rd shift... *shudder* The only thing that would make me hate my job more would be a night shift. I can't imagine having to stock shelves or waitressing. At least, on the phone, I can put people on hold and scream, or make faces at my computer. I've lasted 2 1/2 years, so I figure I can last a few more months.

      And thanks for the good reminder. I have to remind myself too sometimes that leaning on myself only means I'll fall over.

      I think my work as customer service is teaching me life skills. I have decided that every young kid should work their first job in some kind of customer service. Because no matter where you go, you have to work with people, and it's better to learn young. ;-)

      And sending you a virtual thank-you hug right back. :-)