Saturday, January 2, 2016

Fear-esolutions: 2016


Well, here we are again. Another fresh year, wide open with possibilities, good and bad. Not surprisingly, the entire New Year's holiday makes me very pensive. I usually end up making some grandiose plans, or I get moody thinking about all the stupid things that happened in the old year and wondering whether the new year will be as bad. Sometimes the moody side wins and bad things happen. Such as Thursday night, when I needed a few minutes alone, and it turned into me missing 20 minutes of Ant-Man and crying while I painted my toenails. That stupid freaking Fe-Si combination.

But if the moody predominates on the 31st, the grandiose usually takes control by the time the sun rises on the 1st, and I come up with 370 great ideas that I can accomplish in the next 12 months. Which is why you are now reading another goofy blog post, from Yours Truly, regarding what fears she plans to conquer this year. If the list is just too much self-centeredness for you, then by all means, skip to the end, and I'll try to make it up to you.

1. Being more independent

Is it possible to type a paragraph while also staring innocently at the ceiling? I'm going to test it here. I don't really know what codependency looks like, to be honest, but I think I'm codependent. Whenever I remember to schedule my next appointment, I'll ask my therapist. Haha. Part of being more independent means not being afraid of moving out on my own. I'm a little too used to having another person help me manage my life, and it's time I took more responsibility for myself, since, you know, I am 23. The other part of it is letting go of the stupid idea that I personally need to take care of every single person remotely connected to me. Not that I want to manage their lives exactly, but that I think they need my help to care for themselves. My brother, my mother, my friends, the 200 pound Akita I call my nephew...anything that just looks at me with a question, I'll have 12 answers ready before they finish talking. It's kinda funny sometimes, but it's also an unhealthy habit. It's time for me to stop being afraid of growing up.

2. Talking to guys

*blows out air* This should be so simple. But it is not for me. I can't really justify it, or explain it properly. It basically boils down to me getting very self-conscious around guys older than I am, and then I fail at handling proper social graces, such as verbalizing 6-10 word sentences. Having several fierce jokesters for friends doesn't really help matters. The only way I know to overcome this is to simply pay better attention, and to stop zoning out when I get into social situations. 

3. Admitting my mistakes

I doubt anyone ever gets to be an expert at admitting their faults, and if so, I'd like to meet that person. I'd sure rather let my peers think I'm perfect, but in all honesty, that only hurts me and it hurts my peers, too. Sometimes, we may have the same struggles as someone close to us, and by hiding and belittling our problems, we unintentionally downplay theirs as well. If someone else can learn from my mistakes, then I can't let my fear get in the way of that.

4. Learn French

I am not technically afraid of this, per se, but I am nervous, and I am intimidated by French. I studied Spanish for about 5 years in school, so I am used to that set of grammar rules, sentence structure, etc. French is a whole different ball park, and it does NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME. There are too many vowels running together. But I will need French to accomplish a goal I have, so I guess we'll see how far I get.

5. Being accepting and loving to people

I don't know how to clearly explain this, but it's something that I've been thinking about for several months. I've always been a little guarded, and, I hate to admit, a little judgmental. While I've improved on the judging part, I still hesitate to let people in. And even though it isn't exactly a sin to shut people out, I believe God would prefer I am a little more open with people. I'm hoping He will show me how to love people, if they need it from me, and I want the wisdom to know how to help people best.

6. Growing closer to God

It's cliched, yes. But something that I am slightly afraid of, honestly. I think it might be because I have a different relationship with my earthly father than most people do, and that kinda transfers over to my relationship with God. I've always related to God differently than others, I think, and I've struggled to understand certain aspects of His character. I pray that I will not be afraid of being vulnerable and open to God. Since He knows all about me, anyways. ;-)

7. Making a budget
8. Controlling my eating

I'm combining these because they are both examples of my biggest weakness: self-control. I'll be very honest and say that I currently weigh 220 pounds and my 5'8" frame finds this uncomfortable, inconvenient, and exhausting. Some of it is due to no exercise, but most of it is due to bad food choices and too much food choices. Ha. Ha. The budget is basically the same. Many times, I spend money blindly, because I have it, and I get excited over a clearance item, or a special gift for a friend. But all of that is bad, and since God has blessed me with a good job and good health, I'm going to try harder to conquer whatever fears are keeping me from improving these two. I already have a head start, too: aka Crown Financial's study, and a younger brother who thinks he's a personal trainer. ;-)

So there we have it. I couldn't quite get 10 this year, but I think I better see how I do with these 8. ;-) Which brings us to the next topic of discussion: what to do with this blog. I have spent a good deal of time thinking about it, and what my goals are for it. I started to feel a little defeated, and thinking that it is pointless, and most of that stems from not being able to post as often as I used to. For now, I work my regular job, and I babysit 2 evenings a week. I also signed up for 2 online classes this spring semester, and I have a few big things I want to accomplish this year. So The Squirrel's Diary has been forced to the back burner, and I hate that. I want my writing to be useful and helpful, and point people to Jesus, and I also like the chance to geek out about books and movies. So I can't get rid of the blog, but I'm going to have to adjust to posting less often. It makes me sad, but that's just life. 

2016 should be great. I'm optimistic, and I'm also ready if things go topsy-turvy on me again. And about my theme for this year....

Again, it's a little cliched, but it's the best fit for me this year. Happy 2016, y'all.