Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Post I Don't Want to Write

I'm in denial of writing this post. I really want to take my blog and run and hide in a corner. Maybe then life will pass me by.

This is goodbye. I have signed my soul away to Davy Jones.

Okay, so that's really dramatic. What's actually going on is that I'm going back to school. Again.

Mom likes to joke that I have been in school ever since I was 4. It'd be funnier if she was wrong. 2014 was the first year I haven't been in school since I was 3 years old. Literally.

I want to be a dental assistant, and it took me 2 Associates and a Bachelor's to decide that. I have this little dream that I want some technical skills that I can use on the mission field. I can't really preach Jesus from a pulpit or a desk, but I sure would like to show Jesus with my hands. So I've been accepted into a 9 month program. I start classes January 10, and I'm scared to death.

I have to work full time for insurance, and I have 18 hours for the first semester. It's mostly online, and I drive an hour and a half one way for labs every Saturday.

I've never worked in healthcare. I'm probably the greenest student there. This program is pretty strict. I've never taken boards. I'll be looking for a new job by summer. I'm praying about moving out on my own and whether I should move out of my hometown.

I'm scared to death. I want to just work in customer service and live at home and read books and watch movies and blog for the rest of my life, but I can't. That's cheating.

Me and God had a discussion, and He said no. I am supposed to learn these skills, and I am supposed to reach the point where I can go on missions trips someday. Or serve missionaries. There's a tiny little match flame burning way back in the back of my heart, and I think God said it's time to stoke it.

And so, I'm still scared, but I'm not going to quit. I'm gonna do my best and work my hardest. And I'll pray and sweat and probably cry. But I know that God will be with me for every step, and that's more comforting than staying in my comfort zone.

Which brings me to the actual point of this post:
The Squirrel's Diary has to go on hiatus. That sentence actually makes me cry, but it has to be done. I have about a dozen ideas for posts, and I've got some pretty important movies coming up, and I never finished my reading list, but that's all gonna have wait.

I'll probably be lurking around y'all's blogs and commenting some, but I just won't have time to post anything. Oh, I'm sure I will still be writing stuff, because this year has taught me how therapeutic writing is. It feels good to suddenly get inspired and have to write it down RIGHT THIS MOMENT. I s'pose there is part of me that is a writer. :-) Just don't expect many new posts around the forest. That takes time.

The Squirrel's going into hibernation, and hopefully hibernation produces a more focused, well grounded Squirrel.

I know 9 months will go by quickly, but this will be the hardest 9 months of my short life. So I'm gonna be greedy and ask for your prayers. And I will think of you all very fondly.

Namarie, and le mellon.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Fear-esolutions: 2015

That has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Makes ya feel kinda peppy, or adventurous, or fresh, right?

Well, not me. At least, not...yet. I woke up to 2015 feeling a bit overwhelmed. Part of that was because I made Mom mad at the New Year's Eve party. #whoops #i'lltakecareofthat #lol

Honestly, though, it was because I got to thinking about everything I have to do this year. I feel like 2015 might be a big year for me. I don't know.

I never really make resolutions. I never keep them, so who wants to make them? I mean, I can lose weight any time of the year. And I already read the Bible through in a year in 2014. {I'm feeling kinda proud of that one.} Anything else seems silly to resolve about.

But this year got me to thinking. And I made a list. Usually, for me, lists are like resolutions: I make them, and then I wander off and forget what I was doing. Darn you, Ne. But this list, I think might be able to finish.

I realized that 2015 was going to bring me some opportunities that I was deathly afraid of, so, perhaps, that could be my goals for 2015.

To deal with my fears.

I mean, that sounds all melodramatic and wonderful, but it's actually a bit silly, if you look at my list. Some people do these things every day of their lives. 

So this is my list. Or what I dubbed my "fear-esolutions". Cause, you know, I'm gonna "resolve" my fears? Yeah, it's a stretch....let's just go with it, 'kay? :-D

1. Going to dental school

The fear from which practically the rest of this list springs. I'm going to school to be a dental assistant, and my program starts January 10. I'M SCARED. DEATHLY SCARED. But this is what I wanna do, and God gave me the go-ahead, so we're biting the bullet and doing it.

2. Taking boards

The fact that I'm a natural test-taker doesn't make me feel better. I COULD FLUNK THESE THINGS.

3. Selling dental supplies

I am not, never have been, and never will be a salesperson. NEVER and EVER and EVER. If you tell me you don't need or want something, I will leave you alone. I don't push people. But it appears I better learn to be pushier, because I have to do this to help support our trips and things. EGADS.

4. Working with and on strangers

I've never worked in healthcare a day in my life. WHAT IF I GET SOMETHING WRONG. I'm not necessarily afraid of working alongside the girls in my cohort, but working mostly with people in the clinic. I don't want to hurt someone. And I am the ABSOLUTE world's worst at making small talk. HORRIBLE. 

5. Moving out on my own

Uh-huh, I know. I am 22, and I still live with my parents. It just kinda sorta worked out that way. Except that I need to start taking care of myself. And I have a myriad of excuses why I can't move out. One of them is that every time I start mentally listing the things I have to remember to live in my own place, I start hyperventilating. I keep telling myself it really can't be that bad. I gotta get it together.

6. Getting a new job

Part of me hates my current job and then part of me thinks, "Well, I've been here 2 1/2 years, why not just stay?" *snicker* That's a horrid reason to stay. I'm comfortable here, and a new job means reverting back to my face of "I'll just be super quiet and super observant and super polite and super focused so I don't screw anything up and they'll like me". Ugh.

7. Admitting my mistakes

Actually, I've already resolved this. :-) I made some choices, and God dealt with me for a while about being honest about them. So I took care of that last week. It feels better, but it does make you feel small inside. And it humbles you, but I'm more than okay with that. I think trust is more important than looking good.

8. Changing churches

You have to understand. I've been at this church for almost 12 years. The only youth pastors I ever had (although, they left 4 years ago). The only youth group I ever had (although we're down to 3 members now, counting me). I can take you to the pew where I rededicated my life to God (although we actually sold that building in 2014). It's part of my memories, part of my childhood, part of me. I grew up here, and now I'm dying here. I have to leave, but it's hard.

9. Taking voice lessons
10. Talking to boys

Because I want to end this on a happy note. Laugh all you want; I'm serious. You're looking at 2 things that, if I think about it long enough, drops my heart lower than my stomach, faster than a speeding bullet. 

I mean, I kinda laugh at it myself. Voice lessons, for real?! But, yeah. I love singing, and my voice is like an extension of myself. What if I'm good? Or what if I'm really not that good? What if I'm not the soprano I always thought I was? Would people actually like to hear me sing? It doesn't help that I'm totally in awe of and slightly intimidated by the voice teacher. But if the voice teacher is practically begging you to come (according to Alex, at least), then, well, maybe I should actually look into it. 

And, boys. I mean, come on: they're everywhere. Well, remember what I said about small talk? What do boys even like to talk about?! I don't know. I will talk for hours in mixed company, or amongst my gal pals. But put me semi-alone with a guy, or guys, and I shut up. I have this overwhelming feeling that "HE THINKS I'M AN IDIOT HE THINKS I'M AN IDIOT". It's mostly because when I was a kid, I loved picking on guys, and I made myself quit. Now it worries me to be very near them. And it doesn't help that they don't know I exist. Or, at least, they never say anything. But that isn't gonna get me very far in life, so I think I'll try to practice my socializing a little more this year.

Nice list, ain't it? :-) I'm hoping I actually finish it. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I think these two will be my new theme songs.

May you have a blessed New Year full of joy and fulfillment.