Saturday, November 15, 2014

Crying Yourself to Sleep

I hate crying. 

Well, to be more specific, I hate sincere crying. I don't get embarrassed if I tear up over finding a deleted scene from Thor: The Dark World. And I wasn't ashamed to wipe away some tears after watching A Walk to Remember for the first time. 

But if you hit me verbally in my weak spot, or if you make me really angry, I fight the tears. And I hold it in as long as possible, which usually lasts until bedtime.

Because crying shows that part of you has busted. It shows you're weak. It makes you vulnerable. So if you fall apart by yourself in the dark, then you don't have to explain or justify yourself to anyone else. You can sob and blubber and reason and second-guess yourself right to sleep, without bothering anybody else. Right?

Well, not exactly. For starters, I can count on one hand the times I have cried myself "to sleep". There was the time or two or three when my parents were fighting. Or when my best friend's dad died of cancer. Or when my sister-in-law lost her dad. Or when I just wanted to cuddle with my dog one more time. And the last time I cried myself to sleep, it was over something so stupid I can't even admit it. 

Furthermore, if I cry myself to sleep, I'm not actually blubbering or reasoning to myself. Because I know Jesus, and better still, Jesus knows me. 

Which is my whole point. Do you know how reassuring it is to have a Listener like Jesus? 

If you pour out your heart to someone else, even your best friend, they will never completely understand the whole situation. Because we humans can't see the whole scope of a story, we will always have a skewed perception. Even when we try to judge a person or their actions fairly, and we try to empathize with them, we still can't really understand. 

But God understands. He sees every action, every motive, every consequence. He listens to what we say, but He knows how we truly feel. And when we can't even string 5 words together in a sentence, He still knows exactly what we're trying to say. You don't have to explain yourself, you don't have to apologize for being snotty, and you don't have to feel guilty for being confused. 

That both comforts and humbles me immensely. The omnipotent Creator, our all-present Comforter, my perfect Saviour listens. 

To me.


  1. Oooh, thank you. Just thank you, for being raw, vulnerable, and through it all, beautiful. Praying for you!

    1. <3 Thank you. I don't really like sounding raw or vulnerable, because sometimes in writing it sounds whiny, but if I can point to Jesus through that, then I'll sound raw. :) <3

  2. That's beautiful. You are in my prayers! <3

    1. Thank you. I never thought of it as looking beautiful, but thank you. :)

  3. How did I miss this earlier? I swear Blogger is messing with me these days. Anyway, this is very much how I am. I'll cry over a book or movie with no problem. But real things? If I cry over real things where other people can see me, I get disgusted and angry with myself. I'd much rather to cry in the shower or behind locked doors.

    Thanks be to God that he loves and understands us! Even when we don't love or understand ourselves.