Crying Yourself to Sleep

I hate crying. 

Well, to be more specific, I hate sincere crying. I don't get embarrassed if I tear up over finding a deleted scene from Thor: The Dark World. And I wasn't ashamed to wipe away some tears after watching A Walk to Remember for the first time. 

But if you hit me verbally in my weak spot, or if you make me really angry, I fight the tears. And I hold it in as long as possible, which usually lasts until bedtime.

Because crying shows that part of you has busted. It shows you're weak. It makes you vulnerable. So if you fall apart by yourself in the dark, then you don't have to explain or justify yourself to anyone else. You can sob and blubber and reason and second-guess yourself right to sleep, without bothering anybody else. Right? 

Well, not exactly. For starters, I can count on one hand the times I have cried myself "to sleep". There was the time or two or three when my parents were fighting. Or when my best friend's dad died of cancer. Or when my sister-in-law lost her dad. Or when I just wanted to cuddle with my dog one more time. And the last time I cried myself to sleep, it was over something so stupid I can't even admit it. 

Furthermore, if I cry myself to sleep, I'm not actually blubbering or reasoning to myself. Because I know Jesus, and better still, Jesus knows me. 

Which is my whole point. Do you know how reassuring it is to have a Listener like Jesus? 

If you pour out your heart to someone else, even your best friend, they will never completely understand the whole situation. Because we humans can't see the whole scope of a story, we will always have a skewed perception. Even when we try to judge a person or their actions fairly, and we try to empathize with them, we still can't really understand. 

But God understands. He sees every action, every motive, every consequence. He listens to what we say, but He knows how we truly feel. And when we can't even string 5 words together in a sentence, He still knows exactly what we're trying to say. You don't have to explain yourself, you don't have to apologize for being snotty, and you don't have to feel guilty for being confused. 

That both comforts and humbles me immensely. The omnipotent Creator, our all-present Comforter, my perfect Saviour listens. 

To me.